"NUMB" - May 21, 2007

"Soul searching. What you know? what , how you feel.? It's so numbing. Stone cold. A faint distraction in the wrists, brain and hands. A new direction, ready but not sleek. Never too clear, never too speak. A leap through. A new day. I sit here and contemplate reality. What is really going on? Why? For how long? What will become? Will the truth shine thru? Will it be real or just another story tale of who knew? Numb, I cannot speak. Numb I wish too peak.

A somber joyness moment. Can it be true? How will it be? Who will turn? Who will see? "

I' ve been out of touch but rizing and learning a new way of life. A new way of being. Take it too tha heart. People who care so much about me. Who are honest and give me such pleasure. Always educating, always a fun way too play while sitting there and learning , loving each and every day. Take each moment for tha moment because as we all know nothing no matter how geling of a feeling, no matter how high one can be. The dark days are for us too see, feel and learn from. Such hope. But such laughter with the ones you love. You think now and back of hopefully the good times too come. I clinch my teeth, my body feels weak. Who really cares? Whose too blame? Who to look too for hope and guidance so one does not fall and scrap her knees? Bleeding so badly it never heals.

I saw In The Land Of Woman tha other night. It was really deep and emotional.

From the previews, which usually give the movies away, but this one had interesting aspects, which I really related too considering this deep sense of other peoples feelings in my life at this transformating point. My girlfriend, she is sososos cute, Danielle Savre is in the first ten minutes of the flick.

Currently, I am in LA. Here for about one week then off too tha D too visit all the mommies in my family for Mother's Day. I hope my mom does not read this before I get there because it's a surprise home visit.

I love my family so much. Family is so important. Extended family is my fav. I love when you feel as if you have a second mom, aunt, cuz, what have you. Being loved, accepted and involved is such a great feeling. What a blessing. Certainly for those who seek it and understand what I am writing of.

Life changing.who is changing? What is gong on? What is this life about? Who are you? Where are you going? Why? Why?

Recently, one of my main mentors was speaking of achievement. How one must FOCUS. Focus on what specific thing, etc.you desire and put everything into it. Focus and forget the distractions. O, how there are so many. Such a great statement. It seems so clear and right too the point. However, it's the everyday second by second distractions that can hold one back and put you on different tracks.

Sites that are important too me at this point

Cnn.com

Style.com

I'm on those sites all the time learning, reading and enjoying all the change about this fast pace world. I was reading today about the new French president and the other day about Rice and how she's in Egypt discussing the near future plan about what is happening in Iraq. These are such joyful moments for some and so stressing for others. Can you imagine all these actions happening? Some don't even hear about important life changing events that are going on. Some have known for years and this is a celebration of what will become. History is being made, right now, today. It burns me inside, this touch of hint in my heart too knows somehow I can share and be apart with what is going on. We have the choice!

I have slowed down a bit. I still gift my instincts but rather then jumping and getting all krazy. I take moments and listen, feel out what is really being said and what is really going on. I have learned so much this last year. Traveling, being with the purest of pure people, relaxing, reading, taking time too go within and sort out my own built up block wall patterns. Slowly, but some quick surely came down. And new forms, wayz built. How exciting. How life changing. It's called a reinvention, if you will. Or so ive been told. Over a year ago Rudy Durrand was telling me I needed too reinvent myself. I was so clueless. Reinvent my self. OK! How?/ I was so confused. I was searching then it all peaked, I traveled, left my seeds, etc.. then it hits me almost a year later. I'm a different person. Well still Katie Chonacas in my body. But my way of thinking, being, wanting, desire.are all different. An education that will never be forgotten. A pleasing peak of desires that could never be spoken.

A way of being? LOVE YOU. When you love you and love you greatly you will provide love in other people. Giving to yourself you are able too give and share with others.

Mother's Day is coming up. Thank God for my gia gia, who had my daddy, and my mommy's mom, .I'm so blessed too be here, writing you. I get too hold my mother in her arms on her special day.

Live, Love, Play.

O, check out voce.com.it's so bomb. I'm so on it. If you pay 200$ or more a month on your cell bill. You will love this cuz it's 200$$ flat fee every month, no contract and you have your own personal assistant. Smart way. Smart moves. Do your research. It's all that and more.yea.

O, for the first time in my life I AM ON A DIET!!!! Yes, indeed! How neat!!! My best friend looked and me and told me straight out how it had too be. She saw my eating pattern and how I eat whatever I want, when I feel. It's not good. I have learned that I had no self-control. I choose too eat what I want. I can change my patterns, my ways. My body. My whole life ive been about 110. Well, after July, when I had my bad ankle injury. I was not able too run, dance, workout actively for months. I gained almost 10 pounds. I mean I thought it was not a big deal. I thought I am getting older and this is the new form of my new body. I had accepted the new weight. I didn't realize I had the choice too be 110 again. I mean, it's only been two weeks but in one week I went from 119.5 too 116. I mean come on, that's a big deal!!! She put me on this low carb diet. I love it soosososo much. It's sososos fun. I love looking and knowing what exactly I am putting into my body and knowing I have the choice too be super duper hott or nott!!!! It's certainly a mental upcoming. Breaking old patterns, desires and creating new ones. How fun! Even when I do get back too 110 I'm still going too maintain and level myself with this new way of being.. WORKING FROM THE INSIDE OUT..

Image is everything.

Be well, god bless

X
X
In tha art of her beauty/
In the description of her eyez/
I look too you and find no surprise/
And I , seek for you nott/

"One let down after another. Get used too it. When it's up, it's up. When it's low, it's low."

How low will you go? What is low? How low? High? How high, really?

Have you seen this and that? And everything in-between? Look too me. You have never seen. Tha distance in which I am too to become. A thought of mishaps, a forgotten butterfly. Flying. Flying. Flying. And flying.

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